I could taste the salty tears on his face, as we kissed. I didn’t know if they were mine or his, for we were both crying. The reasons for our tears were different and yet the same. But I was thankful to be able to share these tears with him. For once, I could cry with his skin against mine, and not through a box of plastic and technology that connected the thousand miles between us. I was thankful for that one moment of skin-to-skin contact. Even though it didn’t fix anything, it somehow made things a tiniest bit more bearable.”
“Do you feel that?” he asked, placing my palm over his chest. I blinked, trying hard to feel the thudding of his heart. My hand was no stethoscope, and I couldn’t really feel much, except for the warmth of his shirt.
“Not really.” I apologetically blushed. He laughed.
“I know. Come here, you.” He pulled me into a hug, the atypical tight one, with my ear against his heart. I could feel it now, no, hear it, the steady beat of his strong heart, that pulsed with blood and oxygen and love.
“I feel it now.” I murmured. He stroked the back of my head.
“It beats for you, jaan. It beats for you.”
Lies. Each and every word.
On some ocassions, I wonder if anyone would ever want to love me. On other ocassions, I wonder if I’ll ever be able to love someone the way I loved you. You see, loving you has damaged me in the most virulent manner possible. Even today, after weeks of stumbling on my emotions, I still feel the pinch of your spiritual presence, haunting me as I roam through the corridors of my thoughts. I want to hate you so much, but I don’t want to forget you either.
Gradually, she forgot how to smile.
Until a while back, her lips would at least pull up in a slight curve, revealing the last rays of sunshine remaining in her. Now, those rays were gone.
People often ask: what made her so?
Struggles in life?
The death of a dear one?
And with the third one, they hit bullseye.
Yes, it was the grief of being left alone in the middle of what was promised to be a long journey together. Nothing could wrong, but everything did. Fate was cruel.